


When I Am Done (Bury Me In Sea)

by Feralious



Category: Captain America (Movies), Captain America - All Media Types, Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Psychological Trauma
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-18
Updated: 2014-04-18
Packaged: 2018-01-19 22:20:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,038
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1486186
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Feralious/pseuds/Feralious
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He tastes of regret.</p>
            </blockquote>





	When I Am Done (Bury Me In Sea)

He tastes of regret.

That's the first thing Bucky notices, the realization confusing him, making him hesitate.

Steve doesn't miss it, how could he; he knows Bucky like the back of his hand. "Something wrong?" he asks, concern etched on his face.

"No," Bucky mumbles, doesn't dare to look at him. "No."

He's not sure who he's trying to convince.

Strong hands reach out to cup his face, but his eyes are still averted. "Bucky," Steve says, and involuntarily his eyes dart towards him. "It's okay."

He parts his lips, wants to say no but can't - slowly, barely shakes his head, looking away.

Steve leans forward little, just to be a little closer to him, but flinches when Bucky backs away. Concern turns to fear, his hands limply falling to his legs, fists clenched.

"Did I do something?" he now asks, voice trembling. It's clear he tries to hide it, but he doesn't nearly succeed.

Bucky gets up, turns his back towards him, takes a few steps, arms crossed over his chest. He's quiet for a moment.

"It's you."

Steve is startled by his voice, by how fragile it sounds, sad. At the same time a heavy feeling settles in his stomach, worry working its way through his system.

"I don't understand..."

Bucky looks back over his shoulder, his metal arm shining in the spare light. "Even after all this time, even now that you got me back, you're still hung up on the past. You can't accept that which you cannot change."

"What do you mean?" Steve is quiet, seems frozen in his place.

Bucky turns to face him fully. "I mean that you have to let go of the man I once was and accept that there is nothing you could have done to save me."

Immediately the expression on his face changes; turns into that of a soldier ready for battle. "You're the same man you were before. And even if I couldn't save you, I should have. I should've done everything I could." He falls silent. "I should've died with you."

"You did," Bucky whispers. "You risked your life trying to save me, and when you couldn't... Steve, you buried yourself into the ocean. And I'm telling you, you shouldn't... you _can't_. You can't hate yourself for what happened, can't carry that burden all by yourself. I'm not..."

"Don't you dare say you're not worth it," Steve interrupts him, voice getting louder, more desperate. "Don't you _dare_ , Bucky."

"Fine," the other man says icily, mask snapping back in place. "In that case I'll say that _no one_ 's worth harboring that much pain over. You need to let go of it."

"Can you?"

His eyes narrow, taken aback by his answer.

"Can you?" Steve repeats. "Can you let go of the memories of killing innocent people while HYDRA was inside your head? Can you forgive yourself for doing something that was out of your control?"

He hasn't meant to hurt him, but his heart breaks when Bucky starts to tremble.

He goes over to him, tightly wraps his arms around him, feels how Bucky rests his head against his shoulder. "I'm sorry," he whispers hoarsely, "I shouldn't've..."

His voice dies and Bucky can't hold back a sob, not in any state to formulate an answer.

They stand like this for a few minutes before he moves, grabs the back of Steve's shirt, the cold metal causing him to shiver.

"No," he chokes out. "You're right. I want to, but..."

"So do I," Steve says quietly. "We deserve as much. It just takes time."

Bucky doesn't respond.

"Bucky."

He holds on to him a little tighter.

"We'll figure it out together." Steve buries a hand into his hair, pulls him just a little closer. "Okay?"

Bucky is quiet. Nods. Just breathes in his familiar smell and focuses on the feeling of him against him, the feeling of being held, protected. The realization that Steve is there with him and will always be. He won't lose him, not again.

And yet he's still scared. Scared it'll happen, that the next time they won't be able to find their way back to each other.

He doesn't voice his fear, doesn't want to burden Steve with calming him down, when he knows it won't work. He doesn't want to bother him, just wants him to be happy, knows he isn't the right person for that. And somehow Steve had still wanted him, had insisted that he didn't want anyone but him, and Bucky had been happy to hear that, though he hadn't believed a word he'd said.

Steve would never be able to dissolve that fear, and it would only grow with each passing day. But Bucky allows it, doesn't give in to his instincts and run away. Steve doesn't know, but he's proud nonetheless. Proud of Bucky, proud of what they've accomplished together. Doesn't look towards the future with fear. Bucky needs that.

Maybe if Steve tries to teach him not to fear the future, he can teach him not to worry about the past, once he resolves his own. Steve is strong, but it doesn't mean he doesn't need Bucky's help. And Bucky will gladly give it to him, will put his heart on the line and bare his soul if it would help Steve. Would do it in a heartbeat, and would do it a thousand times over again.

Steve knows, and sometimes he reassures him in the smallest of ways. Tells him he loves him, though he's never been able to say it back. Steve doesn't mind, seems to understand why. Doesn't push it. Knows how Bucky feels, at least in that regard.

Sometimes Bucky feels guilty over hiding this from him, for making things harder than they could be. But he knows that's all inside his head; Steve would berate him if he ever found out.

Thinking of Steve scolding him for thinking that way, like he did just now, causes a little smile to appear on his face, worries slightly fading for a moment.

Steve may not always be around. But for now he is. For now he is with him. For now he loves him, and forever he will be loved.


End file.
